


Hong Woori's Suicide

by CR11



Category: CNBLUE (Band), DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, EXO (Band), SHINee, SISTAR, 여자친구 | GFriend (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Cheating, Childhood Friends, College, Complete, Crushes, Dark, Drama, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Heavy Angst, High School, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mystery, One Shot, One Shot Collection, One-Sided Attraction, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Plot Twists, Psychological Drama, Real Life, Romance, Sad, Sad Ending, Slice of Life, Suicide, Surprise Ending, Suspense, Thriller, Tragedy, Twisted, University, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 19:10:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8545681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CR11/pseuds/CR11
Summary: To Yunho, Hong Woori was just a classmate. To Yonghwa, she was his fake girlfriend. To Ara, she was the third wheel. To Dongjoo, she was a passerby. To Changmin, she was a dear childhood friend. To Hyuntae, she was an evil witch. What was Woori actually like then and why did she commit suicide? (finished writing the story but just updating here; caution: mature, dark themes)





	1. Jung Yunho

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This story is actually finished. I'm just posting what I've finished; this version has been edited compared to the other ones that you might have seen on Soompi, Fictionpress, or Asianfanfics! 
> 
> Each chapter features a different character's POV.

Hong Woori.

I remember her mostly from sitting behind her in the university lecture hall for our French course. I wasn't directly behind her; instead, I was always two rows or three rows away from her, and for some reason, there never seemed to be someone blocking the view of the back of her head. I still remember clearly how she usually only wore two hairstyles: a ponytail or nothing at all. She was a simple girl that often sat beside a few friends. She liked to sit at the far left side of the bench, close to the aisle, and I too liked to sit in that direction; it made skipping class halfway far easier.

Though Woori and I never hung out with each other, I always felt like I had known her for a long time. Maybe it was because she had a normal face. She had no scars, no big moles, or even a missing tooth. She was born healthy with wavy, raven black hair to her shoulders, round hidden double eyelids, a button nose, and rosy lips. She wasn't the prettiest of the bunch, but she couldn't have been considered ugly. There was something about her that always made me glance at her a few times, and a couple of times, we made eye contact. She didn't smile at all.

"Isn't it just weird for her to commit suicide?" Park Junki, one of my best guy friends and varsity swimmer, dropped his backpack onto the floor loudly and commented. It was twenty minutes before French class for us, and of course, Woori's seat was empty. Apparently Woori had committed suicide.

"Maybe she had some problems that we never knew about," I muttered and bent down to unzip my backpack for my books.

As Junki also began to settle down, he noted, "She seemed pretty normal. I only heard that there might have been some issues with her boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?"

"Oh I thought you knew," Junki said. "He's a year older than us and is also part of the varsity swim team."

"I see."

Junki nudged me playfully and laughed. "What? You thought you had a chance with her?"

"No," I glared at him and refuted.

"I always thought you had a crush on her."

"No," I mumbled. "It's nothing like that."

"So why do you look like you just got punched in the face, Yunho?" Junki pondered.

I didn't know why her suicide didn't sit right with me. I barely even knew this girl. I could count the number of times she and I spoke to each other with just one hand. She asked me what our homework was and for the time. We also chatted about the weather and the heavy workload we had. We introduced our names to each other. She grinned at me kindly. She helped me pick up my books when I had dropped them on the way to class and verified if there was anything else missing from my hands. She was like a stranger yet a close friend at the same time.

The bell now chimed, signalling the start of class. As the professor entered the room and began to take attendance, I realized that my eyes still wandered to that empty seat. Woori was gone just like that. I wished I could have said something to her. I wished that I could have at least asked more about her and gotten to know her better. It would have been nice to see her smile again at me. Maybe we would have been best friends and spent time talking away the night. Perhaps we would grow to hate each other. I really wished that I had taken the chance to move up a few rows to hers, tapped her shoulder, and greeted her: "Hey. How's it going?"

Maybe she wouldn't end up this way.

I closed my eyes briefly and my mind went back to those days when I all of a sudden got a call from my mother about my grandfather. He had died unexpectedly due to a bad fall from a set of a stairs. His hip had broken and got a bad infection. I always knew that he would pass away due to his stomach cancer, but the doctors had told us that he still had four months left. They were severely wrong. He just died before I could even tell him anything important. I was going to treat him to dinner after I got my first summer internship. In the end, I could only attend his funeral and then I promised to myself that I would be truthful to the ones I cared about. I wouldn't be afraid to say that I loved them.

Yet . . .

I still never approached Hong Woori. I let ourselves be strangers.

Sorry Woori.

If I could do it all over again, I'd like to have a proper conversation with you. I would like to be your friend and not your classmate. Would that make you want to live again?

I felt a few tears drop on my hand and also Junki shaking my arm and questioning, "You all right man?"

I could only sniffle and force my lips to curve upwards. "I-I'm fine. I'll be fine."

You might not remember who I am or even care about me. Just for today, though, let me be sad for you, Woori. I would like to think that it would have been nice to know you.


	2. Lee Junki

I've always hated losing. Ever since I was young, I knew that it was all or nothing. Either you were number one or you were the loser. I always made it my goal to win, and what I was good at happened to be sports, specifically swimming. My intellectual side was neither good nor bad, but it was my athleticism that allowed me to enter the top schools of the country. My plan was to become the best swimmer of the world, earn milliions of endorsements, date lots of hot chicks and then marry everyone's beloved, and then retire at some beach resort. I had everything figured out, and all I had to do was to execute my plan. However, there was just someone obstructing my way.

Splash.

I lifted my head up and rest on the side of the pool. Using half of the breath left in my lungs, I barked, "Time!"

"0:25:03," Coach Song, the renowned swimming legend in the 80s, answered in a robotic tone.

" !" My arm swung back and hit the surface of the water hard. I was still behind him. "Let's time again!" I demanded.

"It's your 102th try," the coach reminded me. "Just hit the lockers for today and cool your mind. Some people just have that talent, but I'm sure with some more practice, you'll break your record."

My record? I scoffed as I went for one slow final lap of front crawl. Then, I reluctantly climbed out of the pool and headed for the changing room. Just as I entered the room, I saw a familiar back. The figure turned around and greeted me with a courteous grin, "Hey Junki." I pretended that I didn't hear him and walked to my locker which happened to be two doors left from his. As I twisted my lock open, the fool continued to chatter, "You swam a lot today huh? I'm pretty sure you're exhausted. I have some energy bars if you need them." He reached into the top shelf of his locker and handed me a piece.

I glared at him once and replied, "No thanks."

I tossed my goggles into the locker and grabbed my towel along with other necessities. When I walked to the shower and slid the shower curtain open, he announced, "You know I'm quitting the team."

I continued to ignore him until that message actually rang in my ear. "Why?" I hollered much louder than I had expected.

"I'm not in the right mind to swim," he responded softly.

"You just need to swim," I refuted.

"That's not true," he argued. "There's more to that."

I ignored his statement and continued to shower. I finished within ten minutes, and I still found him there in the changing room, seemingly waiting for me. I noticed him staring at my body, so I snapped, "Don't look at me like that. What are you, a f*ag?"

Unexpectedly, his lips widened to form a feeble smile. "Sorry," he apologized with his head hanging low. "You just kind of remind me of someone I knew."

"Oh really and just who might that be?" I wiped myself dry and slipped on my fresh clothes.

"My ex-girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend?" I questioned. "Thought you and Woori were going strong. Seunghyun even said you two were getting married."

"Probably . . . if she hadn't decided to commit suicide," he sighed.

There was an awkward pause between us, and all I could say was: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Once I was all changed, Jung Yonghwa gave me a pat on the shoulder and uttered, "Thanks. I thought we'd never get a chance to properly talk, but I'm glad you listened."

I didn't know how to reply, so I just kept quiet. Yonghwa flashed another remorseful grin and waved at me three times before leaving.

I guess . . . that's one competitor down. I'm glad the one I hate is leaving.

Six months passed and nothing in my life had changed much except for the fact that I became the lead swimming of the team. After Yonghwa left, I was the fastest swimmer and the team captain. One of the cutest girls on campus, Lee Yoona, confessed to me and became my girlfriend. I was also chosen to swim for the country for the next Olympics as well. Things were really good, but . . .

I managed to hurt my ankle during a practice run, and so the coach told me to rest for a month or so. He also said that I had been swimming too rashly. I was at the hospital after my physical therapy and I happened to meet Yonghwa in the elevator. Again, he greeted me first despite being older than me: "Long time no see, Junki. How are you doing?"

I had never seen Yonghwa dressed in casual, trendy clothes. The Yonghwa I had known always wore t-shirts, shorts, and sneakers. Now I looked like so foolish standing beside him; he happened to have a black, wide-rim hat, a long, khaki trench coat, a v-cut t-shirt, faded jeans, and short, black leather boots.

"Fine," I answered.

"What have you been doing these days?" he pondered.

"Same old stuff. Been swimming."

"I heard about your achievements. Congratulations." He gently tapped my shoulder, reminding me of that last talk we had.

"Thanks."

The elevator doors opened to the ground floor and I walked out first with a slight limp. "Your ankle," he proclaimed. "Take care of it. You've probably been trying too hard like always. You should know when to take a rest by now."

"That's none of your business!" I yelled at him.

He just gawked at me hopelessly, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. I knew I should be nicer to him. I knew he had been a good captain. I knew he meant well, yet . . . there was still boiling fuel steaming from me. I was not sure why I would get mad at him whenever I saw him and why I just hated him.

"Sorry," he mumbled quietly as we both ventured out of the hospital. "Take care."

I noticed him going the opposite direction. I was not sure if he was doing this on purpose to avoid me. It just didn't feel right for him to ignore me, so I chased after him and tugged his arm towards me, forcing him to look at me in the eyes.

"Why'd you really quit?" I found myself blurting.

"Because I wasn't in the right mind to swim, and I still am not."

"That doesn't make sense!" I shouted with my arms in the air. "You had everything: the natural ability to swim, the right body type, a nice family, the perfect girlfriend—"

"That's just a lie," he confessed.

"What are you even—"

He cut me off and abruptly leaned forward to give me a gentle peck on the lips. With his eyes narrowing together, he backed away and asked, "Do you understand now?"

I wiped my lips forcefully with my hand and bellowed, "What the was that even for? Don't you be playing some stupid joke on me! I hate—"

"It's not a joke, and it was never one," he interrupted. "I've always loved you, and even now, as much as I hate to admit it, I love you." My feet stumbled backwards, and I almost landed on my butt. Yonghwa graciously helped me up with a hand, and mumbled, "I hope your dreams will come true."

Then, he left me behind.

I just shrieked at him, "Don't play around with your life like this! You ! You think I'll be happy winning like this huh?"

Yonghwa never turned around despite my shouts. I just remembered his lonely back walking down the road, and I kind of knew why I've always hated him.

I would have rather he hated me back and treated me seriously.

 


	3. Yonghwa

"Do you want to go out?"

That was probably the first thing Hong Woori ever said to me. I never knew she existed until I was heading home one day after swim practice and was stopped by her. I had just left the building for the pool and out she popped out blocking my way. Without even a smile nor a frown, she asked that question. My true first impression of her was that she was crazy and weird at the same time.

I remembered saying, "Sorry. I don't know you."

"I know your secret." She still gawked at me without even parting her gaze.

I breathed out a sigh and uttered, "What secret?"

Then she said the name that sent chills to my spine: "Junki." I still tried to act like nothing was wrong and proceeded to walk by her, yet she continued to call out, "I think we can help each other out. You need a cover, and I'm the perfect one."

Turning on my heel, I wondered aloud, "And why are you the perfect one?"

"Because I'll never love you," she responded, "and you'll never love me."

"And why would you want to help me out?" I stuffed my hands in my pocket to prevent the cold wind from hurting my skin. It was already early in December, and there was already snow everywhere. Still, I never cared to wear gloves or a winter jacket. Those pieces of clothing just got in my way or were too heavy to place somewhere. I always just learned to stuff my fingers in my pockets.

"Because I think we're similar," she explained with a very loud and crisp voice. I could hear her very clearly despite the fact that the wind was howling. I was honestly amazed at how confident she could be for her stature; she wasn't the prettiest nor was she the skinniest. She was pretty average to me, the sort that you would forget after passing by her. She just blended in perfectly with the crowd.

I, on the other hand, had always known that the crowd followed me. Ever since I was young, I never had to try much to get someone's attention. Grades came easily for me along with sports. I could have chosen any sport to be part of the varsity team, but I decided that swimming was the best. I could be by myself for once under water and all the noise would be blocked out. Besides sports, I had no trouble getting into relationships. The confessions of love were endless and every Valentine's Day was too fruitful to the point where I could open up my own candy store. I never thought much of those and hated to disappoint anyone, so I accepted everything. I took in a girl's love and became her boyfriend. I tried my best to eat all the chocolate but ended up throwing up and hating sweets. There was really no such thing as "no" in my world.

All the nos came from other people eventually. The girlfriends discovered that they weren't my one and only, and so I received countless slaps or they just figured out that I never really loved them. It was more like I . . . couldn't. I just never found a girl who I could love, and for the longest time, I thought I would never love anyone until I met Junki.

Junki was known to have a bad temper and an arrogant attitude. He never respected his elders and thought he could be the best. To be honest, I didn't think much of him in the beginning. I just pitied him because no one on the swim team liked him. As a result, I tried to be friends with him. Every time, he faced me with a cold, stone look. He didn't care about me one bit, and that . . . started to bug me. I wanted him to want to care about me. I wanted to matter in his life, and sooner or later, I fell into a pool of unrequited love which already lasted for a year when Woori confronted me. I knew that this love would never materialize and my family of doctors would never, ever approve and that I had to get back to reality.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of fragile arms surrounding me and I looked down to find that it was Woori hugging me. "I know how much it hurts," she whispered quietly, "to know that you'll never be loved back and to have to hide your feelings. I know, so it's okay." I didn't know what was wrong with me but I could feel tears dripping down my cheeks to the top of her head. It was as if all this time I had been waiting for someone to give me the green light, and when someone finally did, there was a sense of relief. I felt her arms hug me tighter as she continued to say, "I'm here for you. Just call me when you feel lonely or just need someone to talk to." Then, she let go, slipped her hand into her pocket to grab a pen, and wrote her number on my left hand.

I didn't wash my hand for the rest of that day and kept staring at the set of numbers to the point where I had them in my head. As the ink started to fade by itself, I pretended to forget about what had happened that day until I accidentally found Woori crying at the music room. Sometimes, I would take a break by playing the piano and would drop by at lunch. This lunch, I saw her sobbing yet I didn't ask her anything. Instead, I took a seat in front of the piano and played a song for her.

Half-way through the piece, Woori mumbled, "Th-That's going to make me cry more."

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"If you're really sorry, then you'd help me."

I didn't know what got to me, but I asked, "How?"

"Agree to be my boyfriend. I won't ask for any commitment or anything. I just need you as my boyfriend," she noted, "and I'm sure you need a cover by now. There have been rumours you know?"

"From who?"

"Several people from the swim team and from Jung Ara."

Jung Ara . . . the queen bee of the school who also happened to be part of one of the richest families in Korea and was one of my exes. She broke up with me after we tried having sex together and failed. I couldn't get hard too many times and felt repulsed kissing her. After her, I still went on to date other girls and occasionally could have sex with them yet never enjoyed it on an emotional level. Several times, she had warned me that she would destroy my family and me if I didn't get back with her or didn't let everyone know the truth. I had ignored her all those times until she had managed to get my dad fired from his job. Then, I had agreed to date her again.

"I'm Jung Ara's boyfriend again," I informed Woori.

"I can easily get her to stop blackmailing you."

"How?"

"You don't need to know, but you have to agree to be my boyfriend. We don't need to date at all. We are just acting as a couple."

Without thinking much, I agreed, "Okay."

Woori kept to her word. My dad got his job back. Ara disappeared from my life. Woori never asked for dates and only asked me to show up occasionally in front of her friends which included her childhood friend, Bae Changmin, an economics major. Changmin was too overprotective as a friend and I sometimes would encourage him to tell her his feelings. At that time, Changmin would play dumb and act like nothing was wrong even though it was clear that the two were too close to just be friends. Woori and Changmin would often hold hands, go see places together, and share inside jokes. Changmin acted more like her boyfriend than me. With such a good candidate as a boyfriend, I really didn't understand why Woori had to pick me to help her. I even asked her once about Changmin and all she had to say was: "He's just a very good friend. There's nothing between us."

"Really?" I wondered at that time. "You two really would make a good couple."

"Unfortunately he and I aren't sexually attracted to each other, but he isn't gay and neither am I."

That got me thinking . . . who was it that she was really in love with?

A few months passed after that incident and then out of the blue, she told me over the phone that she wanted me to see her Dad. Though Woori and I weren't in love with each other, I was still nervous having to see her father. I even asked her why and she said that her dad had found out about us and had demanded that I show my face to him.

I remembered clearly arriving seventeen minutes early to the appointment and pacing in front of the gate of Woori's house. Woori lived a bit further from the centre of Seoul and so she had a little two-story house. As I kept walking back and forth and adjusting my outfit, Woori unexpectedly opened the front door and rushed down the steps to usher me in.

"Good that you're early," she remarked as she purposely held hands with me all the way till I saw her father.

Her father really scared me, mostly due to his youthful face. He couldn't have been more than 36 years old and was incredibly handsome. He reminded me of one of those popular Japanese actors who never seemed to age and oozed masculinity. If her father was so good looking, then why was Woori so plain?

"So you're Yonghwa." Woori's father glared at me sternly. It was clear that he hated me already. "Why do you think you can even date my daughter?"

"Dad, you're not allowed to make him feel bad!" Woori insisted in a begging voice.

Sadly, Woori's father continued to hand me several tough questions even throughout dinner. He even asked of my plans of marrying Woori. I had to lie that I had those intentions. I believed that I had told the most amount of lies in a day during this moment. Luckily, his father seemed to believe me because near the end of dinner, he insisted on drinking with me. If I could beat him, then Woori could be mine. In the end, I did win him; he had a bad tolerance to alcohol anyways and ended up falling dead asleep on the table. I recalled watching Woori placing a blanket over him and pouring him a glass of lukewarm water. She even whispered a few soothing words in his ear.

"Dayoung!" He surprisingly grabbed onto Woori's hand and held it so tightly that she had pry his fingers off of her.

When Woori walked me to the station, she explained to me that her father was only fifteen years old when he had her. Her mother, Dayoung, was a university student at the age of twenty four; she had gotten into university late due to her frail body. Soon after her mother became pregnant, she disappeared from her father's life and had Woori by herself. A year after Woori was born, her mother passed away, and so Woori was adopted by an old couple. She grew up not really knowing who her parents were until she met her father coincidentally. He was travelling and got lost in the countryside; Woori who was in middle school at that time offered to help him out and showed him around. Her father eventually figured out who Woori was after seeing Woori's necklace which belonged to her mother. Her father convinced the old couple to let him raise Woori and so she moved to Seoul.

When she recounted her past to me, I could see the small twinkle in her eyes. Her voice seemed so matter of fact, yet her voice quivered as soon as she mentioned her father realizing who she was.

"You . . ." I opened my mouth to sputter.

Her eyes zoned in on me and then she cut me off, "Promise me that whatever happens you will be the one to dump me."

"Pardon me?"

"Just be the one to break this relationship off first when you want to."

"I don't really understand why-"

"That'll be the last favour I ask of you." She smiled at me very gently before giving me a hug. "I trust you. You're a good guy, and I wish that I could love you, but I hope that you can be true to your own feelings. And . . . sorry."

I see her lying in the hospital bed and the heart monitor beeps steadily. She is like Sleeping Beauty, and I, in everyone's eyes, am her Prince. I am here to wake her up with a kiss.

Now I walk right in front of her and take a seat beside her. I take her hand and hold it tightly. I start laughing despite feeling my swollen eye tense up.

"Changmin hit me for breaking up with you," I tell her. "Your father wouldn't let me in here. I had to sneak in here. Haha." I try to squeeze her hand harder, but I feel no response. "I also told Junki about how I felt and even kissed him. I couldn't help it. You can understand that right?" Still, she is lifeless. I can't help but scream at her now, "Why won't you wake up? Do you know how many people are feeling right now? They are all upset because of you! Wake up! Please, I'm begging you. Just-"

"I thought I told you to stay away from her! It's all your fault that she died! I'll never forgive you!"

I'm forced to leave now because of your father, Woori. Somehow, I think I see you smiling peacefully now. Maybe Sleeping Beauty will awake now.


	4. Go Ara

Waiting. I've been waiting in the kitchen with the radio quietly playing in the background. Slouching in a chair, I twirl my cell phone in my hand and occasionally press a button for the screen to light up. 12:34 am. It has been three hours already, and I see a few notifications from the usual people, Yoon Doojoon, Noe Kyunghyok, Lee Jieun, and Kim Sowon. We've been hanging out together ever since we were in pre-school; honestly, we are just a bunch of bored kids with too much money and time to spare. I've been ignoring their messages for these hours. After all, I already know what they're going to write. Doojoon, the rowdiest of us all, is always announcing the next drinking venue and urging us to drink more and more. Kyunghyok, the most serious of us all, likes to drink and smoke quietly and is usually responsible for dragging our drunk bodies home. Jieun, who always tags along either me or Doojoon, is always looking for her next soulmate and gets her heart broken every time. Sowon who is also known as Ms. Goody-two-shoes never joins our evening parties but is always around at lunch time to chat. Where do I fit in then?

I guess I'm like Doojoon's counterpart, except I'm not that stupid where I do all the crazy stunts and drinking. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself. I get the others to entertain me and I just sit back and watch. I'm the master of this whole play. I call the shots, and of course, I'm the one that pays for everything. That's probably why the three of them are messaging me. Doojoon is probably trying to convince me to come drink tonight. Kyunghyok is also telling me to join them to keep Doojoon under control and to see what I'll make the others do. Jieun needs me by her side to get guys to be interested in her. Meanwhile, Sowon is just afraid to be disliked by anybody; that's why she called me several times. Due to their poor reasons for wanting me to join the party, I ignore them.

Buzz. Buzz.

My phone vibrates to tell me that I've just gotten a new message. As soon as I notice the name, I sit up only to slouch back again and sigh.

_Sorry. Next time. I'll make it up. I promise._

I feel like throwing my phone in the trash, but I know that I don't dare. I don't want to lose the messages I have with him. Out of frustration, I phone Hwang Yonghwa, my trophy boyfriend in university, and tell him: "Let's go out! My treat!"

"It's late," he tells me, "and I need to review for a quiz tomorrow."

"Come on," I urge him.

"I really need to study-"

"I guess I'll have to make that call to my father and let him know that-"

"Okay."

"I'll message you the location then. Take a cab and I'll pay for it later."

"Fine. See you there."

At least he listens, I think to myself. Why can't they all listen?

Now I check my notifications and they are as I predicted. I let the three of them know that I'll be at Club Air soon and quickly, I get Kyunghyok's message saying: "Good. I'm getting bored to death and Doojoon is singing sad love songs again. FML." Doojoon has this bad habit of singing depressing love songs whenever he is drunk without me. He usually entertains people with pop songs from famous girl groups when I'm there to demand him to sing and dance. For this year, it's either SNSD or Sistar.

When I arrive at the club, I go to our usual room to the far right. As soon as I enter the room, Doojoon stands up, hugs me tightly, and gives me a kiss on the forehead. "You're here, G-G-Goddess!" he jokes and drags me by the wrist to a seat in the middle. "Here, come drink a shot!"

"Only if you'll dance Sistar's newest song, Shake it!" I order.

"Okay. Okay."

As Doojoon is mid-way through his performance, the door opens and Yonghwa has arrived. Immediately, Kyunghyok asks me, "What's he doing here You invited him again?"

"What?" I scoff and lift up my shoulders. "He's my boyfriend."

"Oh my God!" Jieun shrieks with both of her hands covering her mouth. "You're kidding me? You two got back together? When?" She leaps out of her seat and squeezes in between Kyunghyok and me. Meanwhile, Yonghwa takes a seat beside me.

"Yup!" I look towards Yonghwa in a loving expression. I grab onto his hand and stroke it gently. "He kept asking me to take him back. Isn't that right, honey?"

I notice a forced smile coming from Yonghwa's lips. "That's right," he mumbles. "I really wanted us to be together again. I missed her." I'm surprised at how well he can play along with me; it has been a great idea to keep him by my side.

"Wow!" Jieun cheers once more. "You're so lucky, Ara! I'm so jealous of you! You always have the best guys around you, unlike me." She starts to sulk and takes another sip from her cocktail. "All the guys I date always end up being huge jerks or want to get into Ara's pants instead."

"I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you," Yonghwa unexpectedly comforts her. "You're a nice girl, Jieun."

"Aw," Jieun remarks. "You're so sweet, Yonghwa! Why can't you be my boyfriend?"

Yonghwa only awkwardly laughs, leading me to tighten my grip on him. "Aha. Sorry."

Doojoon then steps in between our conversation and barks, "Enough of this girl talk! Were you guys even watching me dance? Huh?"

Kyunghyok yawns before stretching his arms behind him. "It wasn't even worth watching anyways," he comments.

"Like you can do better!" Doojoon rolls his eyes.

"I'm sure I can," Kyunghyok argues calmly.

"Then show it to me!"

"No. I have better things to do in my life than to make a fool out of myself," Kyunghyok crosses his arms and refutes.

"You're just scared! A coward! Ha!" Doojoon taunts.

"Stop being idiotic and immature. I wonder when you'll grow up."

"Hey! Stop acting like you're all that. Everyone knows that you're just a low-"

"Yonghwa," I command, "why don't you do a dance? I remember you dancing once to Girl's Day's Darling before!"

Instantly, Doojoon becomes distracted and intrigued. "Really? Man, I can't wait to see that!" he bellows.

In the end, Yonghwa is forced to dance alongside Doojoon. I sneak out of the room and head to the washroom. I check my phone again and there aren't any new messages. I tell myself to forget about it and just to wait, but it's too hard. Just when I leave the restroom, I find Kyunghyok waiting for me outside.

"Thanks," Kyunghyok says in a robotic tone.

"It's nothing," I reply. "It wouldn't have been fun for the party to have been ruined."

I'm about to head back to the room when Kyunghyok calls out, "Are you . . .okay?"

I smile back, wondering, "What are you talking about, Kyunghyok? I'm totally fine."

Reaching into his pocket, Kyunghyok offers me some gum. "You need some?"

I know what he means, but I choose to joke with him instead: "What? You think I have bad breath?"

"I'll send you home tonight," Kyunghyok informs me.

I shake my head and giggle. "It's okay! You take Doojoon home! Yonghwa will send me home."

"I'll drop by at your place after then," he notes.

"Kyunghyok," I frown at him and announce, "you worry too much. I'll be fine. I'm always okay."

This night terminates like every drunken night. Yonghwa and I share a cab, and we don't talk a word to each other. We even sit quite far apart. I can understand why he'd hate me. He has every reason to do that, but I don't care. I make Yonghwa stay with me for the night, and I try kissing him. He doesn't respond back, so in the end, we just sleep together on the same bed. He has his back to me at all times, so I keep mine against his. Then, I can finally shut my eyes.

The next morning, Yonghwa leaves a note saying that he has his class. I toss his note in the trash without a care. I turn to my cell phone again to see if there are any notifications. Nothing good at all. I see a few pictures that Jieun has tagged of us partying and drinking champagne. I just choose those that look good enough to be placed on my timeline and prepare myself for the day. Though I know that I shouldn't call, I still succumb to my temptations. I dial his number out of instinct, but I only reach his voice mail. I keep dialing and getting his voice mail, but every time, I listen a bit longer. I like his voice. I've always liked it since we first met.

_You shouldn't drink so much._

That was the first thing he ever said to me. I was at a bar by myself for Christmas Eve. Everyone was with their families besides me. I decided that for that night, I would lure someone to spend the evening with me. I didn't find anyone that I wanted, and so I decided to drink some whiskey by myself. I was down to my sixth glass when I heard that tone. I couldn't see him very clearly, yet I could his every word and I liked the sound of it. As a result, I offered myself to him, yet he refused adamantly and left. He did pay for my bill though, and I thought I would never see him again.

I now decide that I'll try my luck and head out to my father's company. I pretend that I need to talk to my dad, so I call the secretary, Ms. Moon, that I'll drop by. Thankfully, Daddy is at the office for the afternoon. Eagerly, I get out of my penthouse and have my driver take me to the office. Everyone that passes by recognizes me and greets me politely. In the elevator, I press the highest floor and when the doors open, I coincidentally bump into him. His eyebrows raise, but he pretends not to know me very well. He just nods. After all, there are other employees around us.

"Wait, Mr. Seok," I call out formally "I would like to inquire you for some matters. I-I'm trying to decide what to do after I graduate, and I think you'd have some great advice."

"Okay, Miss Jung," he responds. "Let's talk in my office."

As soon as we arrive at his office, Woojin shuts the blinds and sits sternly in his chair. "Didn't I say that you can't come to the office?" he reprimands.

"B-B-But we haven't met for close to a month," I stammer. "I-I miss you."

"I know," he says. "I miss you too, but we have to be careful." He then places his hand over mine gently, reminding me of his kindness. "I've honestly been really busy with work these days, so I don't have that much time to meet."

"Really?" I wonder.

"But I promise that I'll leave the whole day for you when it's your birthday."

"Oh!" I quickly smile. "You remembered?"

"Of course, I remember!" Unexpectedly, the secretary knocks and comes in. Woojin removes his hand from me and acts like nothing has happened. He even says, "I suggest that you have more experience in the field of marketing. Oh, you have the documents?"

The secretary then hands him a heavy stack of files and begins to talk about work. I just sit there silently and watch his hands. That shiny, gold ring is still on his ring finger. He lied to me that he'd take it off. As much as I want to complain, I keep my unhappiness to myself. Maybe, he'll take it off later, I tell myself. He has just been too busy these days.

"Ara?" Woojin breaks my thoughts. "Is there anything else?"

"Can we have dinner tonight?" I beg. I notice his eyebrows furrowing, so I add, "You don't have to stay over. It'll just be an hour max. Please."

"All right." He pats me on the head softly. "Let's meet at the old place at 7 pm?"

"Okay!"

I leave the office in happy spirits and even decide that I'll cook him a homemade meal. As I turn back to announce this to him, I see him chatting with another male co-worker around the corner of the hallway. Woojin and the guy don't notice my existence, but I can hear Woojin's voice clearly: "Yeah, I've been really busy these days. My wife is due soon, so we're all very nervous."

"Wow!" The co-worker congratulates. "You must be excited!"

Woojin reveals a smile I've never seen before. This is the happiest that he has ever been and the words follow along with him: "Yes. I can't wait to see my son."

"That's great. I remember you saying you were going through some tough times with your wife last year."

"Yeah, but things are getting better."

"Of course! I bet everyone is so happy that it's a son, especially when your father is more traditional."

I walk away in disbelief. His wife had been pregnant all this time, yet Woojin never told me anything. He never cared. He kept disappearing all this time just to be with his wife. He never, ever cared about me. He . . .

I don't know why but I'm close to Woojin's house. I stare at his perfect little house with a cute garden full of tulips and daffodils until I see a pregnant woman carrying lots of grocery bags. She nearly trips over a rock, and so I rush over to help her.

"Oh, thank you!" She smiles at me brightly, revealing her pudgy cheeks. She looks so dull and boring. Her hair is curly like a poodle. Her eyes are unevenly far apart and her nose is flat, but she does have a cute dimple. That's the only thing pretty about her.

"Y-You're welcome," I mumble.

"Are you new to this neighbourhood?" she eagerly wonders as she reaches for the keys in her purse. "Oh dear. Where have I put my keys now?" The clueless her keeps digging for her keys until she finds them in the front pocket of her purse. "Silly me!" she laughs. "I must be getting old! Haha! Though I think being pregnant makes you turn a bit silly."

"Haha." I push myself to laugh along with her.

As she unlocks the front door to the house, she asks again, "So you're new to this neighbourhood? I don't think I've seen you around, and I think I know everyone here . . . You must have moved recently right?"

"Um," I lie, "I'm just visiting a friend here."

"Oh who? Who's your friend?"

"You probably don't know her," I murmur and help her carry a few bags into the kitchen.

"If you're in university, then your friend should be either Woori, Heechul, Changmin, or . . ." She nearly drops a bag of groceries on the ground, but luckily, I hold onto her arm just in time. "Oh sorry about that!" She sticks out her tongue playfully. "I should have considered which university you're from!"

"SNU," I answer.

"Wow!" She claps her hands together in joy after placing her bag on the floor. "My husband graduated from there as well! What a coincidence! Mm, you must be visiting either Woori or Changmin then! Since you said it's a girl, then it's definitely Woori unless Changmin all of a sudden decided to get a sex change which I think is highly unlikely. Woori is a nice girl isn't she?"

Woori . . . That name sort of sounds familiar, but I don't think I know her at all. Still, I go along with the woman's script and agree, "Yes. She's very nice."

"I know right? She is like the mother of the household, you know? She is the one cooking and doing all the housework while her dad just relaxes. Have you seen her father though? He is quite young!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes! If I hadn't known about them, I would have thought that he was her brother, friend, or even lover!"

"He must be quite young then," I concur.

"And handsome and sweet too!" She reveals a look of a fan girl. "If only my husband were that caring . . . he's always doing work, work, and work, but at least he is making time for us now thanks to this little one." She points to her large stomach. "He made me really sick, but then that finally got my husband's attention!"

Again, I reveal my perfect smile and reply, "Th-That's good."

"Oh honey," she puts her hand on my shoulder and wonders, "is something wrong? You're smiling, but you look like you're about to cry."

I feel her squeeze my shoulder once, leading me to back away. As I resist a sniffle, I stammer, "I-I-I should g-g-get going. I mean, I'm going to late to meet up with Woori. Ha."

"Right. W-Well," she suggests, "if you need someone to talk to, you can always drop by! My friends all say that I'm very good at listening, and um, I'm not very smart, so if it's something related to school or work, then you can always talk to my husband too. He's actually working at this really, really big company and is doing well! I'm sure he can give you some advice!"

I only nod at her once and then quickly scurry away. When I leave the house, I realize that another gaze has fallen towards me. I turn to see that it's from another plain woman. She's not as dull as Woojin's wife. In fact, I can sense ferocity in her eyes and a sense of judgement, making me feel guilty. I end up sprinting until I lose sight of this neighbourhood, and then I call my driver to pick me up.

During the car ride, I only receive notifications on my phone from the usual crew. Doojoon is urging me to go sing karaoke with them tonight. Kyunghyok asks if I want to have dinner with him and Sowon earlier tonight. Jieun is complaining about another awful guy she met. Though I finish reading these messages, I don't reply them. I don't feel like talking to them for now. They wouldn't understand. I just want to be alone, yet I know that when I go back home, I won't be able to stand the silence and the empty household. Out of desperation, I decide that I'll go to the mall first and then end the night at some bar. I'll sleep with some man that will forget about me the next day.

My plan doesn't turn out that way however. I do go to a bar and in fact it's the one where I met Woojin. I don't have a one-night stand with a stranger. Instead, I recognize that other woman I met at Woojin's neighbourhood at the bar and she opens her mouth before I can even respond properly: "Jung Ara, let's have a quick chat. The martini is on me." She slides the drink to an empty seat at the bar, making me sit next to her.

"Who are you?" I inquire and hold onto the stem of the glass tightly.

"The drink is safe. Take it."

I still ignore her and repeat my question: "Who are you?"

"I'm Hong Woori. We go to the same university, but you probably don't know me," she explains while sipping on her glass of wine.

"So why do you want to talk?" I roll my eyes.

"Break up with Yonghwa," she orders.

"And why?"

"I saw you . . . with him." Her voice gently trails, fading among the crowd beside me.

"So what? Of course you'd see me with Yonghwa."

"No," she corrects me. "Woojin. So break up with Yonghwa."

"What?" I snicker and shake my head. "You're in love with Yonghwa?"

Woori ogles at me emotionless. "Yes," she replies.

I know that that's a lie, so I continue to probe: "So you need him too huh? You need a cover? Why don't you pick another person? He's mine."

"I have a photo of you and Woojin. I think I'll show it to him and see what he says," she threatens me. "I also have a photo of you and Yonghwa. I guess I can show that to him too. I can probably show his wife all of the-"

"Stop," I order. "Please."

"So you'll break up with Yonghwa?" Woori asks.

I think of all the possibilities that can go wrong if any of her proposals actually happen, and in the end, I can't refuse her. I agree to her terms and before she leaves, I ask her, "Why Yonghwa?"

She only sends me another question: "Shouldn't you ask yourself that too?"

I'm left with no one by my side, and so I just drink away the night.

Two weeks pass by, and nothing has changed much. Occasionally, I get a few phone calls from Woojin and we still go out for dinner. Sometimes, he will stay over but he will leave early in the morning. I never ask him anything about his wife, his ring, or his future son. Today, however, I find myself gawking at my phone again, waiting for him to come. I'm at the restaurant that is on the other side of the city, a place where we know no one will find us. It is already 9:21 pm, yet he still hasn't arrived. He hasn't even called me yet to let me know that he can't make it. The waiter has come over to my table several times to ask if I can order yet. I just give him the same excuse, stating that my guest hasn't arrived.

When I check my phone every now and then, I only see the same type of messages I'd expect from the crew. Doojoon is begging me to come to this club. Kyunghyok is wondering if I'm at home. Sowon asks me if I'm okay since I didn't go out with her and Kyunghyok for dinner. Finally, Jieun asks if I can bring some guys over at the club. My parents, of course, haven't sent me anything. It doesn't seem like anyone remembers, but that's okay. I'm used to this. I tell myself that it's just one day and that it's no big deal, yet I find it harder to even sip on water. My throat hurts, and worst of all, the waiter has come to tell me that it's the last order of the day. I just ask for a summer salad and a medium rare steak to go. Then, I call my driver to let him know where to find me and I head home just staring out the window.

When I finally return to my apartment, I find Kyunghyok waiting for me at the lobby. "Kyunghyok," I ask, "what are you-"

"The security let me in. He knows me," he gets up from a velvet couch and interrupts. "I asked you if you were home, but you didn't answer. Where did you go? Did you know how worried I was?"

"I'm fine," I tell him. "I was just out, you know. Sometimes I just want-"

"It's your birthday!" he yells at me. "And you don't look fine to me at all! Why do you even have take out with you? Did they forget again?" When Kyunghyok asks me that question, I burst into tears. He wraps his arms around me to give me a tight hug. "It's okay," he reassures me and gently pats my back. "I'm here. I remember."

I don't know how long we hugged or how long we cried. I just know that Kyunghyok ends up holding my hand and follows me home. He has two bags in his other hand and when we arrive at my apartment, he immediately sets one of the bags on the kitchen table while placing the other on the chair. When he unravels the bag and the box inside, I see that it's a chocolate cake with the writing, Happy Birthday Ara, written on it. He starts putting candles on the cake and pulls out his lighter. When he finishes setting up everything, he sings to me the birthday song and ends with the phrase: "Now, Ara, make a wish!"

I blurt, "I . . . don't know what to wish for. None of my wishes will ever come true."

"That's not true! Your wishes-"

"I used to wish that my parents would come home more often or at least would remember my birthday." I cut him off, "but those never happened. Then, I wished that I could fall in love with a man who loved me back just as much, and that failed. I wished for Woojin to leave his wife, and that . . ."

"It's okay," he replies without even yelling at me for being in an affair. "Some wishes may never come true or rather, some wishes you know can't happen, but some . . . can happen. You just need more time."

I scoff at him, "Really? You really think that my parents will come back home more or that I'll find a man that loves me back just as much or-"

"One of them is already true," he says. "Though I think you don't love him at all."

"What are you even-" Kyunghyok's eyes focus on me without even blinking. I know that look of us; it's when he doesn't want us to joke around anymore or to tease him. It's that look of seriousness that warns us that he will bite any time. "You're joking," I utter. "I thought that you always liked-"

"I always liked you," he interrupts, "but I know that you've never liked me that way and I don't think I'd ever be able to match you."

"You know that I don't care about what your mother did."

Kyunghyok laughs in a soothing manner. "You're the only one that wouldn't judge. That's what I like about you." His honesty makes my cheeks fluster and my eyes dart away from his stare. Suddenly, he notes, "When I saw how unhappy you were with Woojin, I knew that I had to do something. I think I can make you happier."

"Kyunghyok . . ."

"You don't have to answer me," he reminds me. "Just make your wish for now. If not, I'll make one for you."

"And that would be?"

He closes his eyes and forms a prayer with his hands. "I wish that Jung Ara can find her happiness and live a safe, healthy, and fulfilling life."

Then, I blow out the candles and cut the cake half-way. Kyunghyok finishes splitting the cake into eight pieces, passes me a plate, and places the cake onto it. The two of us start eating cake in silence. I really never expected Kyunghyok to have feelings for me. Kyunghyok was always so cold to everyone. He never sent me any sweet texts or asked me out on a date. He always invited me to group events, but then, he would somehow always know when I slipped out from the crowd or when I was sad. He was always one of the first to wish me happy birthday and was the one in the group that reminded everyone to make a party for me. When we were far younger, I remember complaining to him often about my parents and asking him to stay longer to play. He always fulfilled my requests. He was always there . . . quietly.

"Do you like the cake?" he asks me. Before I can answer him, I hear my phone ringing. Kyunghyok manages to get the phone before I do and claims, "Ara can't get to the phone right now. She won't see you again, and please do not bother her again. You have your own family to take care of and unless you can leave that family, then you can contact her. Good-bye and thank you." When Kyunghyok turns to face me once more, he first says, "His son was born, so he couldn't celebrate with you."

"Oh," I mumble and stuff myself with another slice of cake.

"You can cry again if you want. I won't judge."

My tears stream down my cheeks and I bawl like an infant that is hungry for milk. The cake in my mouth is supposed to be sweet, yet it only makes me feel nauseous. Life tastes so bitter. Why?

"I loved him," I keep repeating to Kyunghyok. "I loved him, you know?"

Kyunghyok just maintains the statement: "I know. I know."

The next day, I wake up in my king-sized bed. My eyes feel incredibly sore from crying so much, and I think back to all the events that happened. Realizing that Kyunghyok had been here, I rush to the living room to see where he is. Kyunghyok surprisingly has a frying pan in his hand and greets me, "Morning, Ara. Thought you'd be hungry, so I'm making some eggs. Sunny side up for you right?"

"Y-Yes." I'm still amazed at the fact that he can remember what I like. As I watch him do all of the cooking, I can't help but feel guilty. "You . . . don't have to be so nice to me," I mumble. "I-I-I'd rather you be mad at me or something like that."

"Do I always seem like a jerk?" He asks me this while holding fiercely onto a frying pan.

"Uhh-"

"Jesus," he grumbles to himself. "I've been practicing how to smile in the mirror these days. Sowon said I was too unapproachable, so I'd scare away girls." I can't stop myself from laughing at his cuteness which causes him to hark, "Wait. Why are you laughing? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." I continue to giggle. "You're perfect the way you are."

Kyunghyok's ears turn bright red along with his cheeks. I don't think I've ever seen him this shy before; it makes me feel like we've been strangers all this time. "I think I might start liking this," I mutter almost too silently.

"Wh-What did you say?" he stutters before a few shouts. "Ah! I think I burnt your egg! Ah! And I practiced so hard!"

"We can go to some place for brunch instead?"

"No!" he stubbornly refuses. "I've already tried so hard! I'm going to get this right! It's bad to waste food too."

My laugh grows louder and louder to the point where I'm on the floor. When I manage to catch my breath, I ponder aloud, "How come I never found out how funny you were?"

"Y-You think I'm funny? Whoa. I think you're the first to say that."

"I'm sure everyone thinks you're a stone, a tree, or a mountain."

"That sort of makes sense," he strokes his chin and replies. "I think you used to call me Hello Kitty though."

Hello Kitty? Huh? How come I don't . . . Oh wait.

I remember when we were in kindergarten and Kyunghyok would be the shy one who hid behind people and would often cry if someone bullied him. I always defended him even when people called him a low-life, rat, leech, or son of a biotch. I called him Hello Kitty because he was like that cat without a mouth. He never said a bad word about anyone or even stood up for himself. He just stood there being the centre of people's attention, and I would grab onto his hand and take him to safety. I promised that I would protect him and would never let anyone hurt him. I promised that I would always be there for him. Those childhood promises . . . I never kept, yet . . . I take a glimpse at Kyunghyok who is still diligently making another sunnyside up egg. He turned out to be the one who kept my promises. After all these years, our roles had been reversed. I was the Hello Kitty.

"Thanks, Kyunghyok," I tell him.

"Why?" he inquires.

"It's nothing really."

"What? You really shouldn't act like this. You should say why after revealing something like that. It is really unfair that . . .Ah! I think the egg burnt again . . ." He blows out a frustrated sigh.

"It's okay. You can-"

"It's not okay! I'm going to get this right."

Kyunghyok's master pieces include one beautiful sunny side up and five burnt ones. He eats two of them and says that he will eat the rest later. After our breakfast, Kyunghyok says that he needs to leave for school. Usually, I'd just let him go without even caring, but this time, I . . . somehow don't want him to leave. Kyunghyok amazingly knows what is on my mind and asks me if I'd like to come with him to his club activity which happens to be kendo. He says that it's just practice but that I can come watch him.

"And if I actually do watch you, what will you give me in return?" I ask.

"Um . . . I'm not sure. What do you want to do?"

No one has ever asked me that question, so I become stumped for about a minute until I come up with this: "A Ferriswheel ride!"

"You know that that is slow and boring? The sun will shine at you really painfully and then-"

"But I want to try," I urge.

"F-Fine. If I do it, then this means that I still have a chance?"

I smile deviously and inform him, "Yes . . . no . . . maybe . . .so."

"Hey!"

I tip-toe and flick his forehead. "It's a yes stupid!" I shriek and then push him out the door.

It might take a while before I really fall for Kyunghyok, but I think it's worth making sure that that wish gets granted. After all, it's nearly half way complete. I just need to finish it off, and I think I will make it happen.


	5. Yoon Bora

If I were fifteen years old now, I would tell myself not to be so stupid. If I hadn't been this silly, things wouldn't turn out this way. I wouldn't be the one faced with my husband, Seok Woojin, gawking at me with anger and frustration. When I saw the baby, I knew that . . . it was too late. Our love story was coming to an end. It should have never started in the first place.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who fell in love at first sight with a boy who didn't know of her existence and even when he did know her, he never cared about her. It's supposed to finally end with the guy falling in love with the girl after being touched by her caring personality. The two then marry and live happily ever after. That's what I thought would happen. I really thought love would be this simple and that I just needed to be patient. In time, he'd know how much I mattered in his life.

I fell in love with Woojin, in high school. I was just a freshman student while he was a year older than me. Like a typical drama, I was running late for the welcoming ceremony and Woojin was kind enough to direct me to the right place. As soon as I saw him, I knew that I wanted to marry him. He was the one for me, but I was afraid to show my feelings. I would observe him from far away instead and sneak him little gifts at his shoe locker or place them on his desk. I acted as the manager of the volleyball team just to be able to see him, hoping that one day, my prince would notice me and fall for me.

One day during volleyball practice, Woojin did notice me. The vice captain, Lim Jaesun, was talking to him while they were having a short break and all of a sudden, Woojin, who was wiping his sweat off of his face with his jersey, turned to stare at me for a full minute. I remembered my cheeks flustering like crazy and my eyes quickly darting away. Was this moment coming? Did he notice me?

After that event, Woojin would always look at me when we passed by each other and I always grew giddy when our eyes met. My girlfriends and I grew excited, thinking that Woojin was probably interested in me. Unfortunately, he spoke to me first at the hallway and told me, "Please stop it. It's creepy."

I could only stutter, "St-St-Stop what?"

He just glared at me once and I knew what he meant. He felt that it was gross for me to be infatuated with him. He felt overburdened by my attention. Though I did spend that night crying to myself, I couldn't find it in my heart to rip any of the photos that I had secretly taken of him. I would always be in love with him.

I was so in love that I made it my goal to attend his university and also go into business. I studied so hard to be able to qualify for his school, and when I saw my number on the board, I was overcome with joy. Even though I was a year below him, we were still part of the same business club. I didn't give up my chance to be with him. I tried to be as involved as I could and signed up for all the activities that he participated in. Woojin would act politely in front of me but he always wore that cold stare, reminding to back off. 

There was one night where I felt like I was in heaven. The whole club had been drinking to celebrate about a successful event and during that party, Woojin had surprisingly gotten very drunk. He kept shouting and slurring through his words. I managed to be the one that took him to a hotel, and at that hotel, he often called out a woman's name. I could only guess that his girlfriend had broken up with him. Luckily, he was so drunk that he mistook me for her. We spent the night together, and Woojin woke up in fear. He apologized to me and told me to forget about everything.

But of course I couldn't forget about anything, and informed him that I was pregnant with his child. Since Woojin's father was a traditional prosecutor, Woojin married me. Our wedding ceremony was small and quiet, and he rarely told anyone of his marriage. Still, he wore his ring. 

Our marriage was rocky from the start, and so I knew that he wouldn't be faithful. He often came home late, saying that there was overtime, yet I could smell the perfume oozing from his skin. I'd force myself to smile. In time, Woojin would know that I'm the perfect wife, I kept telling myself. Even my neighbour, Woori, could tell that I was having a difficult time. She was friendly enough to help me around the household whenever she could. Sometimes, she would slip in hints that I should watch out for my husband's behaviour and that I should stop hurting myself. Every time, she told me these, I would run my hand up and down my forearm, feeling the scars of pain. I just told her that I had everything covered. Woojin was coming home more often now. Woori would then look at me just like Woojin, judging me completely.

Now, Woojin's eyes widen and he states in a cold voice, "You lied to me."

I stammer, "I-I-I just wanted to--"

"You fu.cking ruined my life!" he cuts me off. "You liar! Always threatening me that you'll go die with the baby if I don't come home! Well guess what?" I hear him snickering and see him shaking his head. "You can go do that any time! This isn't even mine!" He points to the baby that is resting in my arms. I glance down to see his dark brown hair, pale skin, and grey eyes. He really looks like an alien compared to Woojin. Forcefully, Woojin tugs his wedding ring off and tosses it towards me. "It's over," he remarks. "I've had enough. Bye. You'll get the divorce papers soon."

Woojin leaves just like that. My fairytale ending collapses just in time for Woori to show up with a bouquet of daffodils. 

"Sorry," Woori utters. "I really just wanted to congratulate you."

"Thank you," I mumble and try my best not to sniffle.

As she sets the flowers on the nightstand beside me, she tells me, "I . . . really think it's better this way than to pretend that this kid is Mr. Seok's. Maybe you should find his father?"

I bob my head side to side. "I wouldn't be able to find him," I answer.

The truth is . . . Woojin and I never slept with each other that night, but I didn't want us to be apart. The following week, I went wild and had several one night stands with other men in hopes of getting pregnant. My wish was granted, but the baby didn't cooperate with me. I had no idea what to do now. I . . .

"All babies are innocent," Woori unexpectedly comments.

Indeed they are. I'm sorry my child. I'm sorry that I used you, but right now, I can't find it in my heart to love you. I'm sorry that you have such a bad mother. You deserve better. I hope that one day you will be loved.


	6. Yoon Doojoon

"Drink! Drink! Drink!" The crowd around me cheers on and on.

Of course I fulfill their requests; I like to see how far I can push in life anyways. I gulp down every glass of alcohol laid out in front of me despite how much they burn my throat or hurt my stomach. The more pain I feel the more I feel like there's meaning to life. The more someone says no the more I'l say yes. I don't believe in rules or playing by the book because I dare. I dare to challenge everything that comes my way.

I hear some faint shrieks of laughter and joy in the background before the whole world turns black and my memory starts to fade.

When I wake up the next morning with an excruciating headache, I notice that I'm magically in my own bedroom. My butler, Mr. Noe, enters and reminds me that it is time for lunch. Oh I guess I've slept till noon again. Whatever. I shoo Mr. Noe away as I go for a quick shower and spray on a lot of cologne. My father hates the smell of alcohol, and I don't blame him. A drunk driver crashed into my family; my mom, my grandparents, and my older brother died and I was the one that remained along with my father. I wished that I had been dead instead. It really sucks living here with this old geezer.

When I come down the stairs and go to the overtly large dining hall of ours, I find my father already seated at the end of the table with his eyes glued on today's news. Without even looking at me, he asks, "You went drinking again last night?" Since I don't answer him, he angrily turns over to the next page, making a rattling sound. "You should think about your future and stop wasting your time on meaningless things." he utters.

"Of course I know," I scoff and take my seat on the opposite end, "but hey, drinking is fun. Plus I have it under control."

Finally, my father slams the papers on the table and shouts, "Control? Kyunghyok always has to bring you home! Do you know how much trouble you bring to others? Do you even know how lucky you are that you have Kyunghyok looking after you? What if he isn't even around? Huh? What if you happen to drive and then--"

"I'm too drunk to even touch a steering wheel," I joke and wave my hand at him to help lower his blood pressure. "You worry too much."

I hate people worrying or focusing all their attention on me to see if I'm okay. I don't need someone to babysit me. I'm old enough to do what I want. Isn't there that phrase: seize the day? That's what I'm doing every day which is why I message the group to tell everyone that we'll be doing round two of craziness. Of course, Sowon makes some excuse about doing homework and then she privately messages to remind me not to exhaust my body too much. I ignore her message like usual; she is like a mother who keeps nagging a kid to put away his clothes. For now, I'll just go to class. I think I've been skipping too much that I don't even know what the heck is going on.

When I arrive to my lecture hall, I find Sowon waving at me enthusiastically. I just make eye contact with her because soon, one of the prettiest girls in this class, Lee Minhee, comes by and greets me, "Hey Doojoon. I saw you the other day at the club. You've got some cool dance moves."

"Thanks," I walk beside her and reply.

As she strolls up the stairs and then makes a turn to the left for one of the back rows, she adds, "It's actually my birthday next Friday. It'd be cool if you and your friends could come."

"Yeah, that'd be fun," I tell her and take a seat beside her.

The professor has started to lecture but I can't keep my mind focused. I see Sowon's head in front of me. We happen to be sitting a few rows behind Sowon who is all by herself. Typical. Sowon has always had issues making friends and even now in college, she can't make her own friends. She has her head glued to books and has always been an over-the-top achiever. She is the winner of multiple piano competitions, spelling bees, writing contests, and math Olympics. I really think there isn't anything she can't do if it's related to grades. She just can't be sociable, and I used to have to introduce her to my circle of friends. She never got along with them besides with Kyunghyok, Jieun, and Ara, and so in the end, I gave up helping her. 

We used to be close. Sowon always tagged along with me everywhere. After all, she lived only several houses down the street and our families became close friends after some parent's night back in pre-school. Sowon would come knocking on my door, telling me that her parents had gotten her the latest dolls and Disney movies. I used to act like a gentleman and play house with her; she would always want me to play the Dad or the Doctor. I would grow tired and then drag her out to play baseball, basketball, soccer, or go swimming. Somehow, she would often fall down and start crying or some kid would bully her. I'd have to defend her until puberty hit.

Sowon was part of the uncool, nerdy group, and a lot of classmates at first would gossip about how Sowon and I were dating or that I liked her. I didn't want them to have the wrong idea, so I would always stay away from her. I would only hang out with her if one of the other members in our group was there. The two of us having lunch was just awkward. Sowon would always try to make me happy by giving me some small gift, reminding me about homework and letting me copy her work, or starting some small talk. The more she gave the more uncomfortable I grew. Sometimes I wish that Sowon and I are in a different university. When I see her, I just feel pressure, and so I avoid her.

"Oh look at that annoying Miss Goody Two Shoes," Minhee's sidekick, Choi Joori, grumbles beside Minhee, "raising her hand again to ask some question to suck up to the prof. God I hate her."

"I know," Minhee agrees. "She's always showing off like that, but hey, at least we got her for our group project. We can let her do all the work."

"Exactly!" Joori high-fives Minhee.

"Doojoon don't you think Sowon is so annoying too?" Minhee poses a question that I'd like to avoid.

Since I don't answer her very quickly, Joori adds, "Wait. I heard that you and Miss Goody Two Shoes came from the same high school and hang out together. People have said that you two dated--"

"We haven't dated," I interrupt hastily.

"Whoa, lay it off from the steam." Joori rolls her eyes and flicks her hair over her shoulder. "Just wondering why you'd be hanging out with her. Usually guys and girls can't be friends, you know? And there's also the fact that--"

"Because I feel bad for her and she has no friends. She's the one that's always hanging around me," I finally say.

As soon as those sentences slip from my mouth, I already regret it. Sowon turns her head and her eyes meet mine for a few seconds; I can tell that she is trying her best not to cry. She heard everything, yet she even stays till the end of class. As soon as the clock meets noon, Sowon backs her bag up quickly and proceeds to leave. Knowing the mistakes I've made, I leave these girls behind and chase after Sowon.

"Sowon," I call out. "About what I just said--"

"You don't have to feel bad for me," she cuts me off. "I'm fine with being alone. I'd rather have no friends than be friends with a jerk."

"Sowon, I was--"

"You're free," I notice her eyes watering and her voice croaking, "Doojoon. You're free from a loser like me. Sorry that I've been bothering you for all these years. I won't bug you anymore."

I watch Sowon run away and blend in with the crowd. I want to stop her, yet my feet are glued to the ground. The guiltiness is forcing me to stay, and I feel like drowning in a pool of darkness. I . . . am a jerk.

Like every other day, I still go and party. I act as wild as I can be, yet I can't seem to get into the mood. When I sit on the couch, Kyunghyok passes me a beer and wonders, "What's up with you?"

Kyunghyok has his arm over Ara who is so tired that she has already fallen asleep on his shoulder. Seeing that scene makes me mutter, "I don't get how you can love someone for such a long time."

"It's not hard if you're not scared of getting hurt." Kyunghyok looks down lovingly at Ara who has moved a bit to adjust her position.

"Aren't you a burden for her when she obviously doesn't like you in that way?" I ponder.

Kyunghyok shows a weak smile, the sort where his eyes half-close. "I try not to be. I just want her to be happy and try to just be a good friend." I don't know how to respond to Kyunghyok's comment, so I stay quiet. "Did something happen?" Kyunghyok unexpectedly questions.

"No." I shrug my shoulders and reply. "You're thinking too much."

Unfortunately, the sensitive Kyunghyok blurts, "You know Sowon is a really nice girl. I really hope you don't hurt her."

"I try not to," I mutter. "It's better not to keep someone's hopes up."

"I still think . . . that that doesn't mean you should avoid her," Kyunghyok explains. "If you think about it, she hasn't done anything wrong or bad to you. I actually think she spoils you too much."

I think back to Sowon and what has happened over the years. She has always remembered my birthday. She reminds me to sleep earlier and not to overwork my body; she knows I hate long messages so she keeps them short. She knows not to mention anything about hospitals, road trips, and cars. I hate them all. She never asks me what I'll do in the future. She doesn't mention due dates. She likes to leave me candies because she says they're too sweet for her to handle. When someone said something bad about me, she argues with them even though she never picks fights. No matter how much she tagged along, she would still listen to my complaints.

I just ran away, hoping that she would stop being nice to me. I can't give back those feelings. I think she's a sister. That's all. I also don't have the right to be in a proper relationship. She deserves someone better, someone who will plan for the future, someone who can have dreams. Not . . . someone like me.

I continue to drink and drink until the world starts to fade to black. There isn't much for me to do anyways.

\----

I wake up and find that I'm in the hospital. I don't really remember what has happened after I drank. As soon as I look to my right, I find Sowon. She has her head low on my lap, sleeping beside me, but my movements wake her up. Immediately, she presses the button for the nurses and then she slaps me in the face and yells, "What were you even thinking? You overdosed and then had a heart attack!"

"I'm supposed to die within a few years anyways." I laugh it off and glance out the window.

Sowon uses her hands to force me to stare at her. "But you're still alive! You shouldn't waste your life away!" she shrieks while sobbing.

I let out a sigh. "I should have been the one that died in the car crash. Dongmin should have lived instead of me. He was always better than me."

"What are you talking about?" she bellows. "Is this why you've been acting out?"

"I'm not acting out," I respond. "There's just no point, Sowon."

"If you really want to die, then why don't you do that?" Sowon all of a sudden suggests. "A girl at our university, Hong Woori, was brave enough to kill herself. What about you? Huh? You're just a coward."

"I'm not a--"

"You don't want to die! You're just scared of living!"

I feel a tear roll down my cheek as I mumble, "If you're told you can only live till 25, wouldn't you be scared?"

She holds my hands and answers, "I would . . . but I'd want to make sure that I got the most out of this life. I wouldn't waste my time drinking to pass the time or forget about the bad things. I'd give it my all to live. Maybe . . . there'll be some cure in the future."

When Sowon finishes her sentence, the nurses and doctors come to check me up. My dad also arrives and just exhales a breath. He is bad with words, so he gives me a letter instead. The only sentence he has on the page is that he is glad that I am alive and that he would miss me if I had died. Then, Kyunghyok, Ara, and Jieun all come and give me a hug. Jieun is crying like a little girl. Kyunghyok apologizes for not stopping me from drinking and tells me that he'll keep a better eye on me. Ara comments about how stupid I was and how I shouldn't act so foolishly in the future. Sowon just stays silent and offers them tea and fruit.

When everyone is about to leave along with Sowon, I tug on the back of Sowon's blouse. "Wh-What is it?" Sowon wonders.

Once I see that everyone has left, I tell her, "I'm . . . sorry . . . for being a jerk." I notice her shoulders shriveling and her body slightly shaking. Her arm lifts up to wipe her eyes. I know that I shouldn't hurt her, and I don't want to, but I know that I have to let her know the truth. "You're a really good friend, the best I've ever had. I like you, but . . . I can't give you what you want. I'm sorry." I can hear her choking in between her tears, and as much as I'd like to comfort her, I know that if I act nice to her, she will just feel worse later. 

"I know," she finally says. "I always knew, but . . . it was hard to stop. I'm sorry too if I ever bothered you."

"No, it's not your fault."

Sowon at last turns around to announce, "I . . . think it'll be the last time I see you for a while. I've decided to go on exchange to Spain."

"Congrats."

"I don't think I can . . . see you for a while either."

I nod and reply, "It's fine. I understand."

"But I wish you the best. Even if I'm not in your life, I want you to live happily."

"Thanks. You too."

That was the last time I saw Sowon.

\----

Ten years later.

It's been cold and lonely here. Once in a while, a few people will visit me and they will have a solemn face. Kyunghyok and Ara got married. Jieun has a young boyfriend. As for Sowon, I'm not sure what has happened to her. Despite losing contact with her, I think of her from time to time. People say that I can just connect with her on Facebook or some social media site, but Sowon never liked using those tools.

I'm supposed to have left by now. Even my neighbour, Hong Woori, has found her peace. I'm still stuck here . . . seemingly waiting for something or someone.

Today, I hear the sound of heels clicking down to my direction. Then, I see a beautiful woman with long, wavy hair. She is wearing large hoop earrings, a tight leather skirt, a low-cut sweater, and a pair of black stilettos. She places a bouquet in front of me and talks to me: "Doojoon . . . How are you doing? It's me, Sowon." Then, a tear drips down her cheek. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm late," she continues to say. "I heard about your heart surgery. I'm sorry that didn't work out well. I . . . was honestly scared to see you even though Kyunghyok called me to tell me to see you for one last time . . . because I'd know that I still loved you."

Sowon, it's okay.

"Huh?" Sowon blinks a few times. "Doojoon . . . is that you?"

Sowon, I know that you gave up to go to Spain and chose to use that year to apply for medical school. Kyunghyok told me all about it. I know that you're there because of me.

"Doojoon . . . you remember that promise?"

Of course. That's why you always played Doctor. You wanted to cure me. Thank you.

"I'm sorry, Doojoon. I'm sorry . . . I shouldn't have left you alone. I shouldn't have--"

You were only doing what I had done to you before. I don't blame you, Sowon. I'm happy that you're here. I've been waiting to see you for a long time.

Sowon gasps when she sees my figure. I've probably matured all these years, but at least I'm doing what  I should have done years ago. "I missed you, Sowon." I hug her gently yet can't feeling anything. "You were the most important person to me."

"Doojoon . . ."

"Be happy Sowon. I'll see you in my next life."

I know that I'm fading away, so I do my best to smile at her. I can faintly hear Sowon shout, "Don't go Doojoon! Don't leave . . . me behind." I use my remaining strength to pat the top of her head. "You'll be fine. Trust me."

"I'll never forget you!" Sowon yells. "Doojoon!"

I find myself floating away and I notice that Hong Woori is on her way with me. I remember one conversation I had with her. I asked her if she could do it all over again, would she have killed herself? She said she would do whatever it took to make him happy. Then, she asked me if I would want to meet the same people in my life the next time. I told her yes. 

In my next life, I hope to see Sowon again and I hope to be a better friend.


	7. Shim Changmin

I don't know how many times I have stood in front of the butterfly fish exhibit of the aquarium. I can stare at them swimming around the seaweed and coral for ages. I can even carry a conversation with them despite how many disdainful looks I get from guests. I tell the butterfly fish what has happened these days and I ask them if they are hungry or happy. I try to see which one has found a mate. Most of all, when I look at them, I think of you, Woori. Are you one of them now? Are you happy now? Do you feel loved now? Have you found your one?

"Truth or dare, Changmin?" Woori always liked to ask.

And I always picked: "Truth."

"You're no fun, Changmin!" Woori loved to remind me. "You're such a coward!"

"I don't like those risks," I would tell her.

"They're fun," she would argue. "So who do you like now then?"

I would always answer, "You."

"No, no, no. I mean like like like."

"My family."

"Shim Changmin! You're no fun."

"Yes, I know," I would say. "I'll get you your favourite drink, oolong tea."

"Now dare me," Woori liked to insist.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Come up with something creative! Use your brain, Changmin!"

"Jump onto the subway tracks."

"Okay!"

She jumped at that time and was severely reprimanded by the subway station. She was nearly banned from using the line, but luckily after her tearful apology, the station workers forgave her. She lied that she had suffered from a terrible breakup where her boyfriend cheated on her repeatedly with her best girl friend. At the same time, her parents were getting a divorce and her grandfather had passed away. She had also just moved to Seoul from the countryside. After all that lying, we walked back home together and she had a huge smile plastered on her face. 

"That was so funny!" she cheered. "Can't believe they were so stupid. I should be nominated for the Oscars!"

"Right," I mumbled. "If you keep behaving this way, you're getting to be punished."

"Haha. You think too much." She slapped my back so loudly that one of my bones made a cracking noise.

To be honest, I never expected her to be punished. Hong Woori was a good liar and also someone who loved to be deceitful. She liked seeing people panic and loved people's stunned looks. She loved being the one that could predict anything. She particularly adored pushing every limit she knew and getting away with it. The ironic part was that Woori would never pick "truth" from truth or dare. It was as if she was afraid to let her real self become exposed, and for that, I pitied her.

I'm still not even sure why I've been her friend all these years. I was just unfortunately living next door when she stayed with her grandparents. My parents felt sorry for this little girl who had lost her mother. Her mother, Dayoung, had worked as a waitress at an Italian restaurant in Seoul with the dream of becoming a famous model. She fell in love with her manager who tricked her into becoming a porn actress. After giving birth to Woori, she had trouble supporting a child by herself, especially when the manager was a heavy gambler and drug addict. Her mother became involved with drugs and child services took her away. They contacted Woori's grandparents who took the five-year-old emancipated Woori back to Busan. As her grandparents were very ashamed of her daughter, they lived that Woori's mother was working in the States and had married a businessman in Los Angeles. I think Woori's habit of lying started because of them. 

Woori would lie to our classmates about how her parents were always so busy yet they would always buy her a birthday gift. She lied how she was fluent in English when secretly she would keep watching English films to learn new phrases or flip through dictionaries for vocabulary. Despite all her lying, Woori was never the sort to cheat on exams. She wanted to prove to the world that she was smart enough to get into prestigious institutions. She wasn't going to be a failure like her mother. She wouldn't ruin herself for love.

I'm not sure whether or not Woori has ever loved. Though her looks were average, she was quite popular among the guys in middle school and high school. They all thought she had a mysterious aura and that she would be a quiet, docile girlfriend. Whenever she accepted their confessions, she would try her best to get the most out of their love. She would ask for gifts or favours like giving her a ride home or carrying her backpack. All this time, she would still tag beside me, urging me to be more adventurous or telling me jokes here and there. I even called her a kangaroo because she would bounce up and down, trying to get my attention by calling me: "Changmin! Changminnie!" She'd cling onto my arm tightly and get the best movie tickets for me. Before we moved to Seoul for high school, we lived so close that she would shine her mirror at me as a way of asking if she could come over. Then, she would climb from her window to mine. I'd let her in and she would spend the night revealing her next prank, sharing some silly story, or rarely, asking me if I could guess what her parents were doing now. She'd spend so much time talking that she would fall asleep on my bed, and I would lie beside her. Nothing happened between us; she was just lonely.

When we moved to Seoul for high school, Woori's grandparents arranged for her to live with her uncle, her mother's younger brother. My parents thought it'd be safer if I rented a place close to them, so I lived next door. I thought we wouldn't change, but as I made more friends, Woori became a loner. Since we were in different classes, I'd drop by often to see her at lunch. I thought she'd be happy to see me, yet she only complained that I was ruining her life and making people believe that we were together. What didn't change was her lies. She stuck with her grandparents lie about her parents but exaggerated it more to say that her parents were so rich that they had ties with a lot of celebrities. Her mother was a well-established acting coach while her father invested in real estate. Woori placed herself on a pedestal, causing others to reject her more. She became the social outcast in her class and was often teased by her classmates.

Her uncle, Shim Hyuntae, was always worried about her and told me to look after her. Hyuntae was an editor in charge of romance literature at a publishing firm; he had wanted to be a writer only to realize that he was better at editing. After his long-term girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend, he grew heartbroken and decided not to marry in the future. Feeling sorry for his parents, he took Woori in. Apparently Hyuntae and his sister used to be very close until she left for Seoul, so he still felt a special connection to Woori. However, whenever he tried harder to delve into her world, Woori would push him away. She'd come knocking on my door with tears in her eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I'd ask.

Woori would just rock her head side to side. Then, she would run to the couch and sit cross-legged. I would pour her a cup of warm milk, and she would urge, "Truth or dare, Changmin."

"Truth."

"Who do you like Changmin?"

"No one."

"What about Lim Jessica?"

"Who's that?"

"That popular girl who came back from Australia. She's in my class."

"She's all right?" I mutter while passing her cup of milk.

Shaking her head, she would scold, "She's not okay. She's a biotch. You better be better at telling who the nice girls are from the biotches, Changmin. I won't always be here to help you find the right wife."

"Well she and I haven't talked much."

"Really? She always says that she borrows your notes and that you tutor her."

"Oh. She asked me for my notes, and she'd pay me."

"She's just using you to brag in front of her little group." After taking a quick sip of her drink, she grumbled, "I hate girls like that. Those queen bees. Wait till I get my hands on them."

I wondered, "Did she do something to you?"

"She laughed at my English accent."

Woori and I would continue to talk about gossip and nonsense until the clock hit midnight. I would tell her that it was time to head home. She would beg to sleep over, saying that she hated when Hyuntae was at home. She complained that he reeked of alcohol, coffee, and cigarettes, reminding her of her mother. She grumbled about how awful of a listener he was; he only cared about his manuscripts and would yell at her if she ever stepped on one that he left on the floor. She moped about how often she would have to clean his mess and felt more like a maid. What she hated most about Hyuntae was how he would frequently confuse her for his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, Woori and her looked alike.   

"Sometimes," Woori noted after lying her back on my bed and kicking her legs high up against the wall, "he hugs me really really tightly and starts crying.and apologizing. He even kissed me once." When I swiveled from my chair to gawk at her, she giggled. "Stop being so serious! Truth or dare, Changmin."

"Excuse me?" I hardly thought this was the right time to even ask that.

"I said, 'Truth or dare'."

"Truth," I replied.

"Have you ever thought of kissing me?" Woori who was still in that awkward position looked at me upside down. I could feel the pressure sinking into my fingertips. I wasn't sure what was the right answer. "Just tell me the truth. There's no wrong answer here," she reassured me.

"I--"

"Come closer, Changmin. I'm having trouble hearing you," Woori remarked. I kept adjusting my chair towards her, but she kept urging me to come closer and closer until she pulled me by the neck and arched hers up. Then, our lips crashed into each other, swiping past one another harshly. As soon as I backed off, Woori sat upright and pointed at me. "You're too funny, Changmin!" she laughed, nearly falling off of the bed. "But now you don't ever have to feel confused when I ask this question! So how was it? Did you like it?"

"Woori, I don't think you should joke around like this," I told her in a stern voice. "I might be fine with your pranks, but others might--"

"You think I'd go around kissing people like that?" she yelled at me before throwing a pillow at me. "Normal people don't deserve for me to prank them like that! They're too boring! And you're starting to bore me too!"

She ran away, and the next time I spoke to her was after our high school graduation. The whole grade decided to celebrate by booking an elaborate hotel's restaurant. After that dinner, we all went to sing karaoke. I arrived home really early in the morning, around 3 am, and there was Woori sitting in front of my house. She had finished several cans of beer that lay scattered along the porch. In her hand was a bottle of champagne, and once she saw me, she shook the champagne back and forth and croaked, "Let's celebrate! Yay!" Before I could say no, she popped the champagne bottle open and the liquid overflowed through her fingers. "Oh crap!" she swore.

Quickly, I unlocked the door and headed for the kitchen to grab some paper towels and two wine glasses. I helped her wipe the remaining liquid flowing around the bottle clean and gave her some extra paper towels to clean her hands. When she finally settled down, we went to the kitchen to finish the bottle. As I poured some champagne into her glass, I asked her, "How'd you even get all this alcohol?"

"Stole them from Hyuntae of course," she snickered. "He wouldn't even notice or care."

"I think he does care about you," I argued.

"No," she responded after gulping down half of her glass. "He doesn't give a damn about me. It's just an act and a way for him to feel less guilty."

"About?"

"Ruining my mother's life," Woori blurted and tapped the table to remind me to pour more into her glass. While I obeyed her, she continued to add, "He was the one that thought my mom would make a great model. Oh, and he was the one that always brought his best friend over on his dates with his ex-girlfriend. I did tell you that I look a lot like his ex right? I found a photo one day in his wallet and wow, we look like twins."

After distributing my share, I uttered, "I still think he genuinely cares about you."

"Truth or dare, Changmin."

"Truth."

"Are you dating someone right now?"

"I--"

"It's Jessica Lim right? I saw you guys holding hands at the mall the other day."

"I've been meaning to tell you," I mumbled. Jessica and I grew closer after she kept asking for my notes and paying me. She was a cheerful girl with a bright smile. She would pack me lunch and ask about my hobbies. Since I liked fish, she would tell me interesting facts about them even though I already knew them.

"Then why didn't you?" Woori glared at me, gripping onto the handle of the glass.

"I just never--"

"Because you know that she's a biotch and that I'm right."

"She's not a mean girl, Woori. I'm not even sure if she'd be the type to even make fun of someone."

"Wow," Woori barked. "So you think I'm lying now?"

"Well you often lie about--"

"I can't believe you!" Woori flung all of the contents of her drink onto my face.   

"Why are you so mad at me?" I harked and dried my face with some tissue paper.

Woori kept shaking her head. "I thought we were best friends," she said. "I thought best friends would share important things like these, but in the end . . . you're just like the rest of them. Fake."

I chased after her and managed to pull her arm to stop her. "Woori, I'm sorry. I was scared that you'd be mad at me," I tried explaining. Woori kept resisting me that I had to hug her from behind. "You and I . . . will never change," I whispered in her ear. "I promise you. We'll always have each other even if one day you marry or I marry or if you move away." I could feel a droplet of tear plummet on my knuckle, and I felt like my heart was breaking too.

"Dare me," she croaked.

"Dare you what?"

"Dare me to get a perfect boyfriend."

"That's crazy. Why are you--"

"Please."

"I dare you."

Like with every dare, Woori completed that particular dare. She did have a perfect boyfriend in university called Yonghwa. She looked happy with him, and I felt more at ease even though Jessica and I had broken up since she was going to go back to the States for college. I just concentrated on marine biology, hoping to be a professor. Woori and I were still like before. Nothing had changed at all, except she would often make me take her to the aquarium.

One day, she and I walked to a butterfly fish exhibit. With her eyes fixated on the swimming fish, she told me, "Changmin, I think I want to be a butterfly fish after I die."

"Why?" I wondered.

"They stay alone until they find their partner. Once they do, they stay with that mate forever. If they are separated, they will put themselves in danger by swimming up to the reef to find their partner," Woori explained.

"Don't you have Yonghwa already?" I asked.

Without even making eye contact with me, she responded, "You never know with humans."

"If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'll be there," I stated.

Shifting her gaze towards me, she grinned. "Who really knows?" With her hands now behind her back, she smirked. "If you ever miss me, then visit me at sea."

A few months later, Woori committed suicide. A week before her suicide, she had confessed that Yonghwa had broken up with her. She devoured her soul through bottles of wine, and I accompanied her. I even punched Yonghwa once. I couldn't believe how he could even hurt her like that. She had loved him. If I were Yonghwa, I would never hurt her.

But . . . we could never be together.

I would be lying if I had said that I hadn't thought about us being a couple. I had known Woori for so long, and she knew all about my quirks. I was probably the only one that knew some of her true thoughts. She liked acting too much. She would have been a perfect actress, but I never dared to mention that to her. I never dared to be dared. I was scared of change. One reaction would cause an opposite and equal reaction. I didn't want a chain of events happening, leading to some surprise ending. I just wanted her to be by my side. That was enough, but it wasn't enough for her. Woori wanted an everlasting adrenaline-driven type of romance while I could only give her stability.

Woori was pronounced brain dead by the doctors, so her grandparents made the decision to pull the plug. One by one, everyone shared their last moments with her. When I was by myself at her side, I gently held onto her lifeless right hand. I could hear myself sniffling as I tried to speak, "Woori . . . how can you be so stupid? Can you tell me that this is a lie?" She didn't reply me, so I continued to ramble, "Truth or dare, Woori. Truth or dare? You'll pick dare right? I dare you to open your eyes." I knelt beside her and sobbed beside her hand. "I dare you to open your eyes. I'll tell you a truth then if that'll make you wake up. I love you. I love you."

There were so many times when I imagined hugging and kissing her. I dreamed of those days where she and I would start a family. I hid all those desires to protect her, to prolong the "forever" in my mind. I was too stupid and foolish. I should have dared myself, and so I slowly rested my lips on her eyes and then cold lips. Please rest in my peace, I thought to myself. Please . . .

Hyuntae and Woori's grandparents had to pull me away to let the doctors do their job. I watched her heart beat slower and slower until there was that flat tone ringing.

"Time of death . . ."

Everything seemed so surreal. Woori was really dead. She'd never be my side again. She'd never bother me again. She'd never ask me to tell her a truth. She was gone, just like that.

And all I know where she might be next is at the sea as a butterfly fish.


	8. Lim Hyuntae

"Hey, I've always wanted to ask you something," Yang Sulli, my assistant, asks me while smoking a cigarette beside me. The two of us have decided to take a smoke break out at the balcony of the ninth floor of the publishing company we work for. I think I mostly hired her because she'd smoke along with me and because she had no intentions of marrying in her life just like me. We're both awful at love, yet we're managing romance literature. Quite ironic indeed.

 

Exhaling a donut shaped cloud of smoke, I mutter, "Shoot away."

 

"Why do you never pick sad romances?" she wonders. "You always choose cheesy ones, plain comedy, or those teenage love stories."

 

My arms stretch apart against the steel railing as my back leans as far to the ground as possible. I feel the ashes of my burning cigarette land at the corner of my feet, staining the front of my leather shoes grey. I can smell the rotting sewers, and I see the cement streets covered with speeding heads of pedestrians. They walk with purpose and with a sense of belonging. They have their loved ones waiting for them at home, while I'm just upside down.

 

"There's enough sadness in real life," I force myself back upright and reply. "I don't need to make more of it."

 

As I throw my cigarette on the ground and stub it clean with my heel, Sulli blurts, "I think sometimes it's better to face sadness head on."

 

I walk past her and jeer, "Says the person who can't even tell her crush about her feelings."

 

"Shim Hyuntae!" she shouts at my back. "You're an richard simmons.hole you know that? That's why no one likes you!"

 

I've been called an richard simmons.hole a lot of times. I got that nickname from my older sister, Shim Dayoung. Though our age gap of four years doesn't seem much now that I'm in my thirties, back when we were little, she seemed to be far older and wiser. I was always trying to catch up to her and trying to prove to her that I was a grownup and not a little "richard simmons".

 

Dayoung wasn't the worst sister nor was she the best. She did mean well, but she had nothing but bad words to say. Since our parents were always busy working on the farm, Dayoung was like my mother. She did all the cooking and cleaning until I turned eight and was forced to do my share. She would command me like a general, pointing to areas where I had to dust and laundry I had to wash. Then, she would act like a queen and sit with her legs wide open. She would demand for freshly squeezed juice and for me to fan her whenever the temperature was over 25 degrees Celsius. I vowed that I'd never fall in love with a girl like her, and indeed, I fell for Lee Seohyun, the prettiest girl in my grade. My sister, of course, knew of my crush and would always tease me about it. Despite all that teasing, Dayoung still played baseball with me, watched my favourite cartoons, read stories at bedtime, and made healthy meals. 

 

Everything was fine until she reached high school. She had grown much taller than the other girls and her body had developed far faster than them. She was also very, very skinny. I expected her to be like a queen as she was at home, but she often came home in her gym clothes or she'd need to buy new textbooks and notebooks. I was only in middle school, so I wasn't sure what was happening. Now that I think of it, she was being bullied. What I thought was cool was apparently uncool. Her thick, round glasses made her a nerd while her lanky arms and legs which were perfect for running and basketball reminded others of bamboo sticks. Her height which I thought was awesome for reaching tall cabinets made her a giant even among the guys. 

 

Dayoung never let anyone know of her being bullied. She pretended like nothing happened, but secretly, I knew something was wrong. I wasn't sure what back when I was only thirteen. I just knew she was unhappy. She hardly laughed at me or asked me to do anything. She was just quiet, and I couldn't stand that. I thought about what I could do to make her laugh again, and then one day, I saw this girl in a magazine wearing a crazy fur jacket and pointed it out to her.

 

She snickered at my stupidity. "That's high fashion, you dumbas.s!"

 

"Huh? That's fashion? You can go be her then. You'd be much cooler than her!" I blabbed.

 

Like a fool, Dayoung took my compliment to heart. After high school graduation, she vowed to be a famous model in Seoul and she even thanked me. She said that she'd show all of them and make me proud. She even bragged that I'd be her little assistant and she'd still keep calling me an richard simmons.hole. Her richard simmons.hole.

 

In the end, it was Dayoung that begged me to give her money. When I last saw her, her eye bags had sunken deep to her bones, her hands had become shaky, her teeth were loose and yellow, and her skin was covered with scars and acne. I could hardly recognize her by her face; I only knew who she was by her voice.

 

"I have a seven-year-old daughter called Woori. I need money to support her," she told me.

 

 "I just graduated from college and got a new job," I replied. "I won't be getting my first pay cheque till the end of the month."

 

"I can wait a bit! I'll give you my bank details!"

 

I caved and let her have half of my salary. I was working as an assistant editor at a travel magazine while I worked on my writing. By this time, I was also still dating Seohyun. After many attempts to get her to be my girlfriend and with the help of my best friend, Choi Donghae, she at last agreed when I was a freshman in high school. Even when we moved to Seoul, we lived together and attended universities close to the city. We had plans to marry, and everything was going well until I became too busy with work, my writing, and my sister. Dayoung kept coming to ask me to for money and would often tell her debtors to find me to pay back her debt. Seohyun didn't understand why I was always so obedient. She started to despise me and before I realized what was happening, she left to marry Donghae who was working as a civil servant.

 

After Seohyun left me, I cut off all contact with Dayoung. I changed my job to be an editor at a publishing company after my story failed to get the attention of publishers. Whenever Dayoung's debtors tried to find me, I would tell them that I wasn't related to her at all. They had the wrong person. I would even move every other year in case Dayoung ever found me. I tried to escape her until I received news from my parents that Dayoung had decided to hand her child, Woori, to them. My parents were too kindhearted and decided to raise her as their own until she had to go to Seoul for high school. I gave in and welcomed her to my house in the outskirts of Seoul. The condition was that she would do all the housework.

 

Surprisingly, Woori was a good maid. She kept the house spotless clean, but of course, she despised me. She would take every advantage to glare at me, and she hardly made an attempt to be a family member. She didn't like small talk and hated when I asked her questions about her day. We were like strangers in the household until one day, I saw her wearing gym clothes to home. Immediately, I questioned her if she had been bullied. Woori denied it, yet I knew that she was lying. I opened her notebooks to find death threats and saw that her uniform was soiled. For the first time in a long time, I knelt down, hugged her knees, and cried.

 

"Why are you the one crying?" she snickered just like her mother. "I should be the one crying here. You don't get to cry."

 

"Let's transfer schools," I suggested.

 

"I'm fine," she insisted and pushed me away.

 

I couldn't let her defend herself alone, so I spoke to her teacher. That action only made Woori mad. The bullying grew worse, so bad that there were some days where Woori would just stay at home. I would make her porridge or some fried rice. She barely ate and had once swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. After her stomach was pumped clean, I hugged her, begging her not to do something like that again. I would always be there for her.

 

"Really?" Woori stared at me with a pair of innocent eyes. "You promise?"

 

"I promise."

 

After that incident, Woori started to open up to me. She would even ask me questions and would try to help me by sorting the manuscripts. From time to time, she would ask about my past and about my love life. I always told her the truth and even showed photographs of Seohyun and me. After seeing Seohyun's photograph, Woori began to act more and more like Seohyun. Woori started buying clothes resembling Seohyun's style and cut her hair just like Seohyun. She was so much like Seohyun that once when I was drunk, I made the mistake of calling Woori the wrong name and even made out with Woori. The next few days, Woori acted like nothing had happened, but I felt too guilty that I apologized to her and told her to forget about that night. To my surprise, Woori yelled, "What if I can't forget? What if I'm in love with you?"

 

"What?" I bellowed. 

 

"I love you, Shim Hyuntae, as a woman."

 

"Woori, you're mistaking--"

 

Then, a click came and she played a video of that night. "I'm not legal yet, you know? If word gets out that--"

 

"What do you want from me, Woori?" I interrupted her.

 

Woori pointed straight at my heart and indicated, "You. I want all of you."

 

"And what if I don't listen to you?"

 

"You won't. I know you won't because you feel bad for my mom," Woori remarked with an emotionless face. "You know she told me all about you, said that you were the one that encouraged her to model and that you ruined her youth and life. She hates you, you know? She hates you so much that--"

 

"Okay. I'll do it," I noted.

 

Up until Woori finished high school, Woori and I had a romantic and sexual relationship. She and I would occasionally go on dates to the movies or somewhere far away from the city. Most of the time, we were at a hotel or at home.We would have sex often and did it anywhere that was convenient. Nearly every time we finished having sex, she would ask if she was good enough or better than Seohyun. I would tell her to stop comparing herself to Seohyun. She never listened to me until one day, I told her that Seohyun and I would be getting back together, so our relationship had to stop. Seohyun was getting a divorce with Donghae.

 

Woori didn't break down. Instead, she cursed, "You'll regret that you made this mistake."

 

At university, Woori finally got herself a decent boyfriend. I felt relieved about this news, especially when Seohyun and I would be moving in together in half a year. I decided to sell the house and asked Woori to move out. She agreed with my request and even wished me well with Seohyun. I thought everything would be fine now, yet one day, Woori decided to commit suicide in my house. She left a sorry note, saying that she couldn't handle everything anymore. The truth would come clean soon.

 

To be honest, I was relieved that Woori was gone. I would be free at last. I just felt sorry for her ex-boyfriend who had to carry the blame. Other than that, I'm glad that she disappeared. I'm glad I pulled the plug.


	9. Hong Woori

Time after time, love keeps failing me, yet I think we're all looking for that someone, that someone extra special. We're also all trying to be the lead actor or actress on stage. Like Shakespeare puts it, all the world is a stage. I'm just a player here, but I'd rather be the director with control over my own life. I won't lose to my fate. I just won't, and I have just the joke for you. I'm not going to let things go the way they want. I'm here to disrupt, to ruin, and to destroy because I've had my unfortunate sob story, so you'll get yours. I'll make you so upset that you'll never forget me.

I've never been lucky. Ever since I was born, I missed the ovarian lottery and landed in a broken family. My mother, an aspiring model, was foolishly lured into the deep end of the city by my father, a smooth, sweet talker who fell into the trap of drug and alcohol addiction. As a child, I grew up mostly hungry, confused, and quiet. I was never alone because there would be men coming in and out of my mother's filthy shack. There were always cigarette butts loitered all over the floor, half-empty glass bottles, unwashed laundry and dishes, and used toilet paper. I did my best to avoid all of the trash by hiding in the small closet where my mother put her earned cash and broken broom. My mom would make me pretend to play hide and seek in that closet and wait until the strange men left. She always told me to count until 5,000. Of course, I was too naive then to know who those men were and why there were cameras and awkward screeches coming from my mom.

My innocence didn't last long. Whenever my father was angry, he would throw items in the room and punch the walls. Sometimes, he would even kick me. He would yell at my mother for not making enough money, and he hurt my mother so badly that she had to go to the hospital. We couldn't afford the hospital fees, so she rested for a full month on our soggy mattress. She spent the whole time complaining about how I was too young to make money and how her younger brother, Hyuntae, had ruined her life. The next time, it wasn't my father that hurt us but his debtors. My mother was too smart and left before they came. She just left me behind to hide in the closet and also left behind her diary. I spent a week reading all of her thoughts, sorrow, anger, and frustration. Since I didn't go to school for a week, my teacher came to my apartment and found me nearly dead on the ground. I don't remember what exactly happened, but I ended up in the hospital with two elderly people telling me that they were my grandparents and that they would take me home.

Home was far in the countryside, and I was just glad that I had my own clean room and enough food to eat. My grandparents seemed to enjoy the idea of me having friends, so they kept arranging me to have play dates with my next door neighbour, Shim Changmin. Changmin was a boring, geeky kid who wore thick-rimmed glasses and constantly sneezed due to his allergies. He had no stamina and only excelled in academics. To be frank, he was too serious and no fun at all. I'd always have to make things interesting by playing Truth or Dare, yet he always picked "truth". Changmin's dull personality made it very easy for me to predict what he would do or how he would react. I would often prove my own hypotheses about his reactions through Truth or Dare or just by bothering him. Despite how often he frowned at me, I knew he secretly enjoyed my company since he never pushed me away.   

Everything was fine because I had Changmin, my sidekick, faithfully beside me. I moved to Seoul for high school, not because Changmin would be there, but because I knew I had to go back to find my mother's brother, Hyuntae. Hyuntae was the one who ruined my life in the first place by persuading my mother to model. When I finally met him, he really reminded of my mother. He had the same habits of her which made me realize that he probably felt guilty as well. He wanted someone to punish him, and I would be the one to help him.

At the same time in high school, Changmin started to become more and more popular over the years. He won over ladies' hearts by his goodie two shoes personality, and what was really irksome was how he had no idea how popular he was. He just took popularity naturally. Of course I wouldn't let him sail smoothly, so I decided to play the victim. I purposely isolated myself from my classmates, knowing that they would make nasty rumours about me. Changmin would take my side, and as I predicted, he always did . . . until Jessica Jung came along.

That Jessica Jung resembled everything I despised. She was perfect and had a wonderful life and was going to make her life even more magical by taking away Changmin. That Changmin was pathetic enough to fall for her advances. I knew that I had to continue to play the victim despite the fact that Changmin had already fell for her. Playing the victim also helped me to convince Hyuntae to believe in me. Seeing me be bullied would remind him of his poor sister, Dayoung. Plus, Hyuntae had been heartbroken as I had learned from my grandparents, so trying to be an angel helped him sympathize with me. Of course, I played the devil at the same time. I made sure that his wine grew stronger every day, making him become more and more addicted. 

Finally, that day came when Hyuntae lost his guard and broke down. I also slipped in a hallucinating drug to help with the effects. He thought that I was his ex-girlfriend and I took the advantage to film everything. Then, I started to warn him with that film. I wanted to see him suffer, so I made him make love to me and always filmed each session. I always made sure to act like a victim in the films by saying no and the rougher the sex the better. The more hurt I was the better the result.

By the time I graduated from high school, I knew that my plan was nearly complete. I just needed Hyuntae to believe that I had given up on him and so I needed a scapegoat which turned out to be Yonghwa who I also disliked due to his blessed features and lucky life. Luckily, I found out about his dirty little secret and used it to my advantage. Plus, I needed someone to vomit all of my disgusting thoughts at. He was the perfect trash can. To be able to get Yonghwa, I had to get rid of Ara. That happened to be far easier than I thought due to her affair with this neighbour's husband. That neighbour was just so stupid too, believing in her husband. So pathetic. 

Yonghwa also played the perfect role to guilt trip Changmin. Changmin would believe that he had pushed me to dating and feel what it would be like to lose a friend. After all, it served him right for choosing Jessica Lim over me. I stuck by Changmin's side while he studied marine biology because that way, Changmin would feel even guiltier. I even purposely found the story about being a butterfly fish my next life. That way when I disappeared, he would always think of me and remember me. 

Now the finale would end with my suicide. I would seemingly make Yonghwa the guilty man, but I would have already sent my diary filled with events of how Hyuntae forced me to be with him. I would also let the police where Hyuntae hid those videos that he filmed of me. Hyuntae would be charged with some crimes and he would have to cope with all the guilt of how he indirectly killed his sister's life and killed his sister's daughter. Yonghwa would feel upset for not being able stop me. Changmin would always remember me. My grandparents would probably be regretful. At the end of the day, I haven't stupidly waited for someone.

So now that I have died, I have happened to meet Doojoon, a snobby rich kid who also passed away. Doojoon and I had a short conversation.

_Would you have killed yourself if you could do it all over again?_

I still kept my act in the end. I'm a true actress and director. To be honest, there's no point in doing something all over again when there's only one chance to live. If I live again next time, I think I'd pick the truth. I'm tired of being able to predict everything. Life gets too boring. I did have a fun question. I asked Doojoon if he would want to meet the same people in his life the next time. He said yes. As for myself . . . I think I'll skip over most people. Maybe Changmin next time if he grows emotionally smarter or Yonghwa if he can continue to be a trash can. I think in my next life, I'll be damned and doomed. I won't get the chance to write my own story, but I'm sure I'll be able to live with that. It probably does feel good . . . to be a fool.

 


End file.
